Top 10 Baby Girl Names for 2017: Presidential Edition

movie_96490

10. McKinley

9. Madison

8. Taylor

7. Tyler

6. Kennedy

5. Carter

4. Grant

3. Reagan

2. Nixon

1.  Mar-A-Lago

 

For Years I Tried To Read Don Quixote

donq

For years, I tried to read Don Quixote,

Revering the Spaniard writer in me,

Skimming a thin abridged edition,

Sophomoric in World History.

 

Later, greater windmills.

Exotic becomes quixotic.

The bookmark stops.

Again.

 

Dare you go on,

Wannabe pícaro?

 

No. Gracias.

We underdogs

Know the ending anyway,

Some will never get their day.

Trump Campaign Pre-Approved Alternatives to “Locker Room Banter”

humidorTee box talk

Spa convo

Limo gossip

Humidor chat

C-suite speak

Green Room gab

Yacht joshing

Casino jabber

Helicopter prattle

People Familiar With The Matter

Gossip
Informants
Spokespersons
Consultants
Insiders
Pundits
Chairpersons
Investors
Experts
Chiefs of Staff
Middle and/or Senior management
Presumptive press secretaries
Whistle blowers
Assistants
Heads of security
Deputies
Aides
Lieutenants
Handlers
Stylists
Gadflies
Roommates
Estheticians
Mavens
Escorts
Drivers
Ghosts
Writers
Ghost writers
Surrogates (sex or otherwise)
Professional cuddlers
Aunt Kathi

For Years I Tried To Start Smoking

pall mall

For years I tried to start smoking, scurrying out before theme parties:
Bad Taste Ball, Red Light, Pajammy Jam—to pick up Pall Malls,
Only to find the shreds of tobacco slipping past my lips.

Tonight, some fifteen years later, I rushed out for a walk, alone,
Minus wife, kids, mother-in-law,
Left a flat cauldron of beef stew to roast in the oven for an hour.
I cook now. I follow recipes. I make up my own.

“Be back,” I said.  Like those fathers you hear about that say,
“Be back. Just going out to pick up some smokes,” and then never return.

What if I kept on walking and left for good?
When you’re wired for guilt and depression, this is what you think of.

You’re surrounded by light, yet spend your whole life,
Looking for shade, just a slice.

At last,
at my thinking place,

Where Mark Twain sits in bronze,
Forever reading Huck Finn to anyone who will sit next to him,
A few drunk hopeless fans smoke their consolation cigarettes.
We lost again tonight.

I want them gone, off my bench,
So I can sit next to Sam,
Breathe in some fresh air,
Clear the muck upstairs.

But, yet,

I sniff their second-hand,
Let them have our moment,
Of pain.
If we don’t win, it’s a shame.

Right, Sam?
Your life ended up going to shit,
And what did you do?

You kept floating down the river,
Smiling at it,
Your dial set to happiness,
If only for a bit,

Now you sit,
In front of the IHOP,
As you did then,
at your birthday party,
At the end.

For, who else,
Were you going to celebrate?

Mall Sweats

leather sweatpants

The final fleeting days,

of the dying year,

most long for sweatpants.

Preserve comfort.

Hide side fat.

Fashion.

At the mall, in this agonizing transition,

wear leather ones.

They have them now.

They foster tranquility and couture.

They show you haven’t given up on it all.

Not yet.